Okay, there may or may not be any actual shopping happening (although in this phase there likely is), but now that you’ve bothered to observe your triggers and allow for some feelings, you’re going to want to arm yourself with some tender, loving, possibly quite new ways of responding to yourself. You’re going to want to receive yourself the way a compassionate friend would. 

As a reminder, a compassionate response to: I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do, is not 

- Get over it.
- You’re making too big a deal of this.
-  A stronger person wouldn’t be so worried about all these things.
- There are way bigger problems in the world. 
- I wanted to get pregnant so I shouldn’t be upset about how I’m feeling.

No.

A compassionate way to respond would involve some warmth, kindness, and a reminder that you are not alone.

It would also allow for the transient nature of your feelings to shine through, as in, this is how you feel right now, not forever. Fun fact: an emotion typically runs its course in about 90 seconds; It’s the ruminative thinking that keeps the party going. 

So how does counseling get at this?

In its most simple form, counseling models the compassionate stance. You learn compassion by receiving it consistently and when you need it most.

Since you are doing your therapist the honor of sharing the thoughts you typically keep to yourself, you have the unique opportunity to get a witness. And in that space where you may judge your own feelings and think you are the only person on the planet in your situation, something different happens.

This person sitting before you doesn’t roll her eyes, tell you you’re a terrible person, and wish you good luck. She receives your hurt, validates the difficulty, and, in time, may gently invite a more balanced interpretation. 
She notices the critic in the room and doesn’t even need to squash her. She just asks if anyone else has an opinion to share, and that’s when your own wisdom and perspective gets to speak up. This is one example of how the scariness of vulnerability is matched by the comfort of being seen and accepted, just as you are. And then something different gets to happen.

This process is not unlike what you will do as a parent, a phase that is just around the corner, or already in play for those of you who are expecting or planning your next. The way our children learn that they are loved and safe is by having consistent, loving adults who can receive their feelings and experiences. This outside experience eventually is mirrored from within.

I know my clients have arrived at a place where there's room for compassion when they pause mid-sentence and say: “I’m not being very nice to myself right now.”

Then we open up to the compassionate friend. This opening is a skill to be practiced. 

So when your own inner mean girl pops up uninvited telling you how fat you look in those jeans and how lame you are for feeling overwhelmed, here are a few ways in and out of the therapy room you can reach out to your inner compassionate friend.

1. Actually pretend you are responding to someone you love tenderly, someone you wouldn’t want to see suffering.

Really. Bring forth the thought of such a person. Grab a pen, write it down.  I’ll wait. . . Okay, now imagine this person you love dearly is saying what you’re saying: 

I am tired all the time and my house is a mess. I’m the worst wife ever because I’m neglecting my husband, and I keep dropping the ball at work too. I feel like I’m failing at everything.

How would you respond? Would it sounds something like.

Oh hon, I can’t do anything when I’m feeling tired. I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that     way so often. You are being so hard on yourself because you care deeply about you relationship and your work. But you haven’t been fired from either, so ease up on yourself girlfriend. Do what you can. 

Now, consider that you are just a person who you don't want to see suffering, and practice turning this inward. 

2. Practice the Self-Compassion break.

This is my all time favorite tool from Kristin Neff, the Godmother of Self Compassion. In its most simple form it goes like this.:

Thinking about a situation that’s difficult, like a level 5 on a scale from 1-10 difficult (you don’t want to overwhelm yourself while you’re learning), and then placing a hand gently on your heart, your cheek, or anywhere else that’s comforting and saying some form of this. 

This is a moment of suffering,
and suffering is part of life,
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.


Or, check out this 5-minute facilitated practice. 

3. Name it to Tame it. Labeling what you’re feeling - in and of itself - can actually calm your system. This is another benefit to therapy, as you have some assistance with the naming, but you can certainly do it yourself.

When you start thinking about whether or not you are going to go back to work after baby comes and are suddenly weeping and googling and deciding that you’re f*&$ed either way, try this. Pause. PAUSE. And try to name the feeling.

You’re feeling SCARED that you aren’t going to figure out the right answer. You are feeling OVERWHELMED by this upcoming transition. 

Don't worry about doing anything with your observation. Just describe the feeling and let your nervous system rest in its experience of being understood. 

4. Breathe. I wanted this to be number one, but I was afraid you’d stop listening. But do this first. Breathe, into your belly, and out slowly. You got this, mama. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

This post original appeared on Happy With Baby and is updated here with a few extra resources:

I love the idea of knowledge as power. When I was pregnant with my now 7-month-old son, I thrived on learning the functions of my symptoms.
Nausea meant the hormones sustaining my pregnancy were strong and present. Ligament pain and achey feet told me my body was adapting to carrying new and different weight. Sore hips and wobbly knees said the hormone relaxin was doing its job to open my body up in preparation for labor.

Somehow, even though these experiences were unpleasant, it wasn't hard to appreciate them as living proof that things were exactly as they should be.

While far more intense (understatement alert), the same framework was a huge support through labor and delivery.

So imagine how disempowering it felt to have a brand new baby at home while going through things that were as elusive as they were intense. Like so many women, I had prepared to have my baby, but I didn't feel prepared to have a baby.

Side-by-side with the experience of falling in love with this plump little boy was the reality of long crying jags, nursing marathons, and an overwhelming sense that I was doing everything wrong - that perhaps someone else would be more competent to be in charge, because my intuition seemed to have snuck off to take that nap that the rest of me was stubbornly fighting.

But alas, I live not only to tell, but to reflect on some important pieces of information I wish I had been armed with before the little dude joined the team. I want every new mama (particularly those of the I-can-do-it-all-myself-ilk) to not only be able to say “It's not me, it's one of these experiences,” but also to be able to help identify them with other moms.

Connection is power too (second understatement in two minutes). Let's get started.

1) Growth Spurts/Cluster feeding OR “Good luck getting off the couch because every time you stop nursing the baby loses his ever loving mind until you put him back on.” 

Also called “bunch feeding,” this phenomenon -- when baby wants to nurse more than what is typical for him, whether that's every hour or every five minutes -- usually happens somewhere toward week two, then every two to three months in the first year. It may happen more in the evening, when milk supply is naturally lower. For me, it was an all day affair.

It's easy to feel stuck during these times, both literally and figuratively, when you're the only one equipped to do this marathon feeding. Some women describe these phases as feeling overwhelming, irritating, and tiring.  

With the intensity it brings, it can be easy to forget to nourish your own body. I know even when I had the foresight to set up a little station for myself with water, snacks, phone, and remote, I  would get so sidetracked by the baby's cries that I would plop down to nurse inevitably just out of reach of my goods. It was a sad sight to see, me staring longingly at that bowl of pirate's booty, so close, yet so far away.

But here's the thing. Because breastfeeding is a supply and demand business, cluster feeding is thought by lactation experts to serve as a supply-booster. This is not to say your supply is low! Many women think this is the case, and that can trigger stress, but it's often not the reality. Your baby is likely going through or is on the verge of  a growth spurt and needs more calories to meet his growing needs. 

He needs more. You produce more. It's an effective, albeit crazy-making little system.

Hard as it may be, try to remember the temporary nature of these megafeasts and the amazing function they serve. Getting some good recommendations for shows to binge-watch on Netflix probably won't hurt either. As there are pauses from feeding, let someone else be in charge, and grab a change of scenery, preferably one involving fresh air. 

Find more information on cluster feeding and all things breastfeeding related here and/or check out the book Breastfeeding Made Simple (the only book on the matter you'll ever need, in my humble opinion).

2) Wonder Weeks OR “Who stole my relatively even-tempered babe and replaced him with this screaming monster.”

Just as physical growth spurts lead to some fussiness and an increase in appetite, cognitive growth spurts - when babies are becoming oriented to the world in a new way, learning new skills, and making “mental leaps” - they have a really hard time of it. This often manifests as an increase in crying and clinging, suddenly and perhaps uncharacteristically.

I picture it being for babes a bit like when you pop those glasses on to watch a 3D movie and what was once flat is suddenly protruding within an inch of your nose. But you're under two feet tall, were content to hang in a warm, dark, insulated room for nine months, and did not ask to see this movie. 
 
The first of these leaps happens around week five, but not knowing this at the time, I just thought I suddenly had a baby who permanently wouldn't fall asleep and who would cry and require someone to walk him around for the rest of his life.

My arms hurt, my back spasmed and I ached for sleep. I plodded through our days barely keeping it together, and when I exerted myself beyond our norm -- specifically to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, I fell apart. 

Midway through dinner, one that my brother had flown across the country to attend as a surprise, the tears spilled over.  I excused myself and made it an early evening. (In a fun twist of events, the baby slept peacefully through the entire dinner). 

The whole leap lasted all of a few days, but it felt like an eternity, one in which I re-imagined my whole life being harder. As the clouds parted, we were greeted by baby's first social smile (There is always a prize at the end of the leap, be it a new skill or a higher level of alertness)

These phases continue for the first couple years and are so predictable that you can actually download an app and plug in your little one's due date to generate a schedule of when these so-called leaps are set to happen. This can bring solace in and of itself. Baby screaming out of nowhere? Check the app, learn what baby's working on, and when you might anticipate the more peaceful time in the near future.

Access the book, app, and general Wonder Week Information here.

3) Supersized Self-Doubt OR “I Thought I Was A Somewhat Together Person Why Can't I Do All This. 

The above shared experiences are specific to baby's growth and the impact it can have when you don't know what's happening. But let's talk about the sum total of these first days of new mama business. Let's focus solely on you. 

Your hormones are still fluctuating, you're healing from the process of giving birth, and sleep feels like a thing of the past. The sound of your baby's cry feels like it is piercing your soul. And yet you may not have showered, eaten, run a comb through your hair. Your house is a mess and you may be snapping at the people around you. You have so many needs to be met, yet you feel like you should be able to do it all – and, dare I say, with a smile on your face.

I call an extra bulls*&% on this particular should and let me explain why.

During one of my exhausted self-doubty moments, I called a dear family friend who also happens to be a retired labor and delivery nurse. She had availed herself to me countless times, and the I-got-this part of me had yet to reach out. This was a moment of surrender. 

“Hi Shana,” she answered the phone. I squeaked out a hello. “How are you doing”? I somehow managed a short description of a difficult few days before the weeping started. “Would you like me to just talk”? She asked. I sniffed out a small yes. 

She described her own experience as a new mom, decades ago, walking in circles in her apartment with her inconsolable baby. She shared some of her education about baby's underdeveloped nervous systems that simply grow with time (So here's a bonus, it's not you, it's baby's underdeveloped nervous system). She mirrored the difficulty of this first phase, which was helpful enough, but then her voice got firm and she said this:

“You know, back in the day, young women gave birth and their elders took care of the baby. That was the norm.”

Lightbulb. 

I suddenly remembered studying various present-day cultures all around the world in which there are people who care for the mom and/or her new baby for the several weeks postpartum, allowing mom to heal and bond with the baby without having to tend to anything else. To not have this is a modern American cultural norm (one that hangs alongside our dismal maternity leave policies), not personal deficit!

Something melted in me in that moment. The enormity of what I was doing became crystal clear, and the parts of me I felt were lacking were filled with compassion and perspective. I walked into the living room where my baby boy was hanging with his dad, and that compassion and perspective enveloped them as well. 

Think of the sayings, “No man is an island,” and “It takes a village.” Well, I say “No woman is a village,” and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. So perhaps the function of the overwhelm is to remind us to let our people in to help out. 

If you are having trouble accessing your network or need to expand it further, there are people out there who can help! Postpartum Support International is a great starting point that can lead you to local resources. 

For you San Francisco mamas, Natural Resources is an outstanding resource, and, of course, I can help too!

Remember, when things feel tough, it's not you, it's the enormous experience of sustaining a new life. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at contact@shanaaverbach.com or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

I hate running. I hate it. I hate how it makes my body feel from hair follicle to toenail. My legs ache, my lungs burn, my brain feels like it's getting jostled around. I'm as mystified by the elusive runner's high as I am by people who like going to the dentist. 

And yet. I tend to fit it in somewhere during the week, and for the past three or four weeks have been doing so every other day (big thanks to one of my besties for introducing me to the C25K app).

So why would I – a person dedicated to fine-tuned self-care for self and others – engage so regularly in something I can't stand? Well that part is simple. Because I happen to strongly value feeling alert, content, and emotionally stable as often as possible, and getting this type of exercise is one way I can assure myself those experiences.

After many moons of getting to know myself (and flaking on the same friend's October 4th birthday celebration three years in a row) I have learned that as soon as the first week of October hits, if I don't pump up my self-care regime to compensate for the subtly changing light, I go to a default setting of sitting still, isolating myself, and thinking something is terribly wrong with me. This of course perpetuates itself, the lack of momentum making it hard to gain speed, and then, well, let's just say I am eternally grateful that I figured this detail out in my mid-twenties and now it's all about noticing and intervening. But every year it's h a r d. 

This experience, of course, isn't unique to me. After years of sitting with clients, and talking with the other people in my life, I've learned that the action of choosing to do something good for yourself often happens despite yourself. Whether deciding to take a yoga class, reach out to a friend, make dietary changes, start or return to therapy - you name it – we often have to drag ourselves to do it, suffering days, weeks, sometimes years before making a move.

So how can we hasten this process and get to the interventions faster? Here are a few tips.

1. Make decisions based on values, not on in-the-moment wants: If I asked myself the question, “do I want to go running,” on a good day I'd say “no thank you” on a crankier one there'd be more expletives. But if I ask myself “do I value feeling peaceful, present, and grounded for myself and for the sake of those I encounter” not only do I answer “absolutely,” but I also walk right into the follow up question “how can I achieve this”? Running is merely one answer and my felt experience tells me it's the strongest contender. But now there's also space for other interventions to surface as well. 

2. A. Visualize yourself in the future: Go ahead, let yourself imagine how things will be when you are feeling more like your optimal self. What will it look, taste, smell, and sound like? How will you feel? Who will notice the shift? B. Now think of one step you can take towards manifesting that image. What's your move? What supports do you need to motivate you and hold you accountable? This will get you out of a problem saturated language and into a solution focused one. 

3. Welcome the fact that your chosen intervention may be as wonderfully complicated as you. I'm telling ya', every single jogging session is a roller coaster for me. When I'm in a longer interval and feeling the weight of my body, my thoughts are less positive, my eyes move to broken car window glass on the ground. When the interval is over, my step is lighter and I notice the birds tree hopping en masse, and it's beautiful. The highs and lows are symbiotic and the sum total of the experience is absolutely positive and keeps my energy flowing.

The same mush of experiences could happen if you sign up for a class or group where you are asked to step out of your comfort zone, but reap the benefits of pushing yourself. Or therapy, where painful thoughts or memories might surface before their sweet release.

4. Know that you can handle every last up-and-down bit of it. Know that you're worth the try.

I was pretty nerdy-excited to overhear a couple arguing about personality types the other night. 

The woman, who identifies as an introvert, excitedly said how valuable it is to know such things about yourself, especially when conflict arises.

The guy was adamant that these things are "bullshit" and he "hates how people use that type of explanation as a crutch." 

As they went back and forth, I pieced together (pretending they were using "I statements" instead of speaking in generalities) that she would like him to understand her natural way of being so he doesn't take certain actions personally, and he would like her to stay open to thinking/feeling a different way, so that the door stays open to multiple possibilities. 

I got the sense that things felt closed down and out of his control when framed in these popular psychology terms. Like maybe she would say things like, "I can't go to your business dinner. I'm an introvert." He used the word bullshit a lot.

It took everything in me to not turn around and tell them about the very un-bullshitty reliability of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, in which introversion/extroversion is one of the scales, along with three others, how it's likely to reveal the same results across your lifetime (that's right, take it when you're 18 and again at 40 and it's likely to yield the same results), and how it's one of the few tools employers have been using for years for employee development.  [You can take the test here for free, as I go on to editorialize...]

But most importantly, understanding that people interact with the world, make decision, and process information differently often serves to help relationships - with self and others - not hinder them (perhaps finding a shared interest and language for such exploration would be helpful for that couple, but that's a whole other topic).

For example some people have a hard time moving into action about something (whether choosing a sandwich or a potential mate) without having lots of options and flexibility and others just decide. Each side can frustrate the hell out of the other, especially when collaborative decision making is required. But knowing the other is going through their legitimate process can soften the frustration a bit. 

Some people have to say aloud most of their thoughts in order to make sense of them and some need to go within. The day I realized this was true I felt such a relief, as a certain kind-and-lovely family member of mine is very much like this, and I just happen to be to the type to really listen to what a person is saying. As you can imagine, I felt irritated and like my boundaries weren't being respected, because at any given time he or she would start sounding off, regardless of what I was doing. But knowing that he or she just needed to get the words out of his or her brain allowed me to appropriately tune out. In this case, a listener wasn't required. The irritation melted away.

And then there's the introvert-extrovert thing, which has been getting a lot of social media buzz these days. Just knowing whether you generate energy from more solitary versus socially interactive settings helps you balance your energy levels. It took me YEARS to realize I am somewhat of an introvert, likely because I am pretty sociable and have always chosen to work with people. Now I realize that regardless of those characteristics, I absolutely have to counterbalance my interactive time with alone time in order to function, period. 

Before I framed it in these terms, I had less of an explanation for the exhaustion I felt at times. And when we don't have an understanding/words for things, we can go to scarier places (but I suppose that's another subject too!).

So I would encourage you, as I have many a client, to explore your personality type. Knowing where you fall on these personality continuums can be a great step in not only getting to know yourself better, but also understanding the people around you. The self-knowledge will give you a boost, no crutch required.